The Marriage Foundation has carried out a three-year study of around 40,000 couples, looking at the reasons given by those who decided to split up. The research revealed that around 60% of those who divorced said that just 12 months earlier, they would describe themselves ‘as generally happy’. It was only in a relatively small 9% of cases that high levels of conflict pre-empted the split.
Why does this happen?
The results of this study may seem very odd, but London-based couples’ counsellor Carole Nyman has a possible explanation. It all stems from feelings of resentment, where issues simmer away under the surface without being communicated and discussed with the other person.
One partner may have given up trying to raise issues and explain themselves and because the problem isn’t mentioned again – it’s natural to think it’s gone away. The opposite can actually be true, where resentment boils away in the background and causes an irrecoverable breakdown in the relationship. Nyman explains:
“It’s normal to have disagreements, arguments, areas of sensitivity – all couples have them. This is life.
“Watch for complaints that seem unimportant to you but are obviously important to the partner. They haven’t come to their senses when they stop talking about it - they are deciding if it’s a deal breaker.”
Other surprising signs of an impending breakup
Analysis of the Marriage Foundation study also pinpointed some other warning signs of a marriage on the rocks, some of which were quite surprising:
- Both partners putting their children above everything else. This sounds like every set of parents in the UK, but it refers to couples who channel so much of their energies into their children rather than their partners. When kids grow up and start to have other interests, and eventually leave home, many couples find that there’s not much of their relationship left.
- Confiding in friends and family more than a spouse. Your partner is supposed to be your best friend, who you can share everything with. However, when one partner finds themselves sharing all their closest secrets with a friend or family member, because they think their partner isn’t interested or it’ll be a waste of time telling them, this could be a sign that the relationship is in trouble.
- Jealousy of other couples. According to Carol Nyman: “When we are unhappy, we tend to judge other couples as happier than us”. Making comparisons between your own relationship and that of other couples is not healthy – it’s far important to focus on what is going on between you and your partner.
If you are facing the prospect of separation and you need sound advice from an expert in divorce and family law, you need the team at Tracey Miller in your corner.